Thursday, April 04, 2013

Time to Change? Maybe Not

How many times have you heard people tell you to change certain aspects of your behavior? Especially when you have made them angry or told them the truth? I have been on the receiving end many a times where people have asked me to change.

"Be more tactful. Control your words"

This was a dialogue I received when I gave an opinion to someone honestly. Since tact is not one of my strong traits, I prefer to shut up. Up comes the next dialogue:

"Don't be silent when I am talking to you. This is not the way you deal confrontations. Speak up!"

It is a never ending loop. You sometimes wonder if people ever keep track of what they say because you hear such contradictory statements from them from time to time.

When something like a divorce happens, you start thinking about where you have gone wrong and try to take in advice from others on how to deal with relationships more efficiently. The thought process was "they have had a long marriage, they might be knowing the secret" so I would sincerely listen to advice given to me by the older folks on what changes I needed to make in my life to ensure a successful relationship.

An advice I got when my divorce proceedings were on:

"The husband should always be the dominating one in a relationship, the girl should ALWAYS keep quiet no matter how angry she is."

I would nod my head and soak in all the advice thinking she's an elderly woman, she must be knowing the ways of life and how to handle relationships. At a vulnerable point in your life, you even start believing such BS. Then I hear her cussing her husband as if there's no tomorrow.

Another lady told me "if you speak nicely you can get your way with anyone". Then you hear her talking harshly and ordering around just about anyone in her vicinity to get her way. I think a more proper advice from her would have been "if by talking nicely at first they don't listen to you, then scare the hell out of them".

Actions do speak louder than words. You can advise just about anyone to change. Maybe you're asking them to change for your own selfish needs or maybe it's for genuine reasons or maybe you just want to dish out advice that is politically correct even if it's practically impossible to do. I mean when someone advises you to take a deep breathe and count till 100 when you're angry -- does anyone really do that? After trying to rectify myself based on feedback from people, I realized I am getting nowhere. It gets difficult to understand who really means what they say and who don't. Sometimes you can't help but wonder if it's really you who need to change or them.

So for now, all changes are on hold. I am happy being me and it's going to be that way for a long time to come. Much easier this way ;) 

23 comments:

  1. I totally agree! Ignore them all and be yourself- that is a learning I am taking from here.

    Love, relationships etc are governed by so many external factors. But one thing I believe is - if he doesn't love me for who I am, then he is not the right guy for me. So, be yourself, love might be just round the corner :)

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  2. Its the "Im ok,your not ok "syndrome many people have to dishing out such bakwaas!!

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  3. life is also like that.. what else to say...

    nice thought by the way

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  4. YES :)
    Easier to say change then follow.
    And sometimes the best people say is you have changed....and when all you did is stop taking their shit...


    Be yourself and one day you can give them lessons on change too :)

    Reading you after long but still love it as much :D

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  5. Dhanno, you are confused! you need my "51 advises to wash away your confusion on advises". I shall send the same to you soon. wait for it to reach you and pray till then to give you strength. God bless.

    -baba anil sawan.

    :P :D

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  6. Advice has different aspects:

    1. How relevant is it to the person being adviced?
    2. How relevant is the advice to your life?
    3. How relevant is the advice based on the general notion?

    Only when all three are in sync it makes a good advice. Otherwise it like polarbear asking a man in Chennai to get a fur coat. :P

    It's been long since I have commented here. I have been reading though. Wish you a lovely weekend.

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  7. Advice has different aspects:

    1. How relevant is it to the person being adviced?
    2. How relevant is the advice to your life?
    3. How relevant is the advice based on the general notion?

    Only when all three are in sync it makes a good advice. Otherwise it like polarbear asking a man in Chennai to get a fur coat. :P

    It's been long since I have commented here. I have been reading though. Wish you a lovely weekend.

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  8. Akanksha - Can't agree more :)

    Kangna - I know! If only people could take a look at how they are dealing with stuff for a change

    Deeps - Thank u :)

    Lady Whispers - Absolutely.. I always say it's easier to preach than practice.. Thanks for still reading even if my updates have been sporadic :)

    Anil - This post was all about avoiding advices and you're talking about advising me? ;) lol..

    Sameera - Haha @ asking a person in chennai to wear a fur coat.. Nice to see your comment after long Sameera :) Wishing you a lovely weekend as well..x

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  9. :D nice to see Sameera's comment after long, not mine? you gender biased lady!! :O

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  10. When things are not going your way, we tend to be very critical about all our minor shortfalls ... however those minor deviant behavioral traits makes us different...We got to stop conforming!

    Especially when other are asking us to change!

    You are a creative girl, I know you'll not pay much heed to them! ;)

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  11. true, if we keep on listening to others conflicting words, it is hard to tell where do we stand, the best is, like where you are at right now, be happy with who you are.

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  12. People just love giving bekar advice!
    Some of them say "always smile" and I'm like I would be looking completely addled if I always smiled , like even while going to the washroom or smiling away while eating ..

    off late anyone who comes up with a "what you should do" advice gets a "please no advice unless you don't follow it yourself" advice from me :D

    nice reading your blog after a long time :)

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  13. Hi Dhanya,

    Love your work... very pure and straight from the heart.

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  14. Anil - Hahaha.. I am in contact with you but Sameera gets in touch only via my blog :)

    Ashish - Thanks for the kind words :) I agree with the being critical part. And especially coz I am a virgo I am hyper critical about myself

    Betchai - Yup! Totally agree

    I'll try to be truthful - Hahaha @ smiling away while eating.. I can imagine the scene and it's making me laugh out so loud :P

    Unknown - Why are you unknown? ;) Thank you for dropping by and taking the time out to comment

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  15. Oh :) I'm not sure why maybe coz i haven't registered an Id... :)

    Veena - from Cochin :)

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  16. Hi Veena :) Nice meeting you! Are you one of the candidates I had called up for an interview lately? Lol. Sorry if the question sounds weird to you. But couldn't help thinking. Had called up someone called Veena from Kochi last week or so..

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  17. Hi Dhanya.. No Lol... we have never spoken. I stumbled across your blogs. Could relate to them... hence... :)

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  18. time to update? maybe yes

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  19. Hahah deeps. Yes it's time to update. A new post coming up soon! :)

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  20. We don't need other's advise, for we ourselves have the answers for all our problems. When we are desperate, we become needy and that is the time we go around seeking advise from others. We come back totally disappointed, for these people do not know what exactly we are feeling and so their advise seem to have no impact on us.
    I feel( now this is not an advise), that if we give some deep thought to what ever is bothering us, we would find an answer, and that answer would be the best.
    Somehow I could relate to your blog.
    I just happened to come upon your blog. Would be back when you update.
    Wish you the very best in your life.
    Why are you all still stuck with the word verification?

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  21. Thanks Rama for the comment :) Had to turn word verification on because of the amount of spam I keep getting. Now it's a relief :)

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  22. kitni baar we have cribbed about this thing to each other hai naa!! kya Dhanna! How could u even consider of changing? :-/

    We all love u the way u are and if they cannot accept the way u are then ask them to piss ofF!

    The wife should always keep quiet when she is angry? Does your Mallu community also get influenced by Ekta Kapoor serials? X-(

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Scribble away....!