Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Compatibility vs. Adjustment

How much does one “adjust” in a relationship? Does compatibility not matter at all?

I remember when my marriage proposals were going on, I kept stressing on the importance of compatibility, that electric chemistry between two people. When you meet or interact with that special someone, something should just click within you. Unfortunately, our Indian society (or most of it) does not understand this concept. Girls especially are just required to get along with the other half no matter what. If not, they are considered bold, head-strong – traits which are not exactly considered complimentary for an Indian girl. The perfect Indian girl should bear anything (and I mean EVERYTHING) that comes her way with a smile on her face. The perfect Indian girl should take abuses (mental & physical) from her spouse and not complain about it. The perfect Indian girl should be looking oh-so-awesome even when she’s dead tired from housework. The perfect Indian girl should never ever whine about anything, should never ever get angry or God forbid even show it. You get the drift. 

Before marriage, you end up thinking you will be what you are and no one can stop you. But somehow it doesn’t work that way. Nowadays when I see unmarried girls saying “I don’t need to change anything about me. The guy will accept me the way I am even after marriage”, I can’t help but sympathize with them. No one, I repeat NO ONE remains the same after marriage. You adjust a little and the so does the other person and in between all these adjustments you change a little. For some people the changes and adjustments required are so drastic that you lose your identity in between all of it. That’s when you know your relationship is going downhill. 

I have always stressed on compatibility and after going through personal experience and going through some others as well I feel this is one of the most important spices that contribute to the zest & flavor of a relationship. No compatibility means no similarity in thoughts which means no passion! And how can a relationship survive without even a bit of passion? This goes out to all the people out there – learn to trust your instincts. If you feel that compatibility is the most important factor and you go against your own belief and succumb to what others tell you (in my case I was told “clicking” with someone isn’t important, you just have to see whether he’s a nice guy.. and I fell for that), you will end up where I am today. Don’t fall into pressure, don’t be afraid of going against the norms if it makes you happy. In the end it’s your life you’ve got to live and not theirs. I’ve learnt my lesson and I'm never ever falling for something I don't believe in ever again...


  1. how could I dare to argue with experienced people :D

  2. "Learning to trust your instincts" is the best advice. And that is something I learned the hard way:)

  3. Agree with this,and people just dont understand the concept of chemistry.Sometimes I wonder how our previous generation's stuck with each other for so long.I suspect,more of a sense of duty than anything else.But we are wired quite differently.I recently read this very interesting book by Elizabeth Gilbert (no,not eat,pray,love) but its sequel "Committed" where she finally marries Felipe.It is a very interesting take on marriage,with some witty one liners like "Marriage is a friendship recognised by the police":)Do check it out if you have the time:)

  4. I couldn't agree more.

    Being in a position in which I am today, life is not a bed of roses. 28 year old, independent and single - summaries it all. Each day is a struggle, with profiles hovering around the corner. No day is spared, and at the end of it all, I am being labeled as the one who is throwing tantrums.

    Thankfully, my parents are not forcing me in it. But, still, it is hard enough for a soul like me.

    Don't know whats in the store, but one thing is certain, that I am not falling for anything less than 'Chemistry' between him and me.


  5. you wrote after a long time :)

    and what a post , loved reading it but in the end i guess its upto a individual to think of it how they want ...

    i also feel that these days we dont have so much patience as maybe our elders or their elders had ..


  6. Admire you.It takes immense courage to come out of a marriage when everyone around expects you to keep compromising.

    Sadly, most ppl feel marriage is the ultimate goal of ones life and without getting into it you are a loser.

    Happy to see you have become a better and not a bitter person after this experience.

    It takes lots of guts to live life on ones own terms, because most of the time our loved ones emotionally blackmail us to do things which we do not want.

    Each person has to have the freedom to choose and live life as per their choice.

    Happiness is a state of mind and marriage has nothing to do with it.

    Wish you loads of happiness and cheer.

  7. So true...trusting your instincts is the best thing to do, especially in arranged marriage where u don't have much time t date the person.

  8. compatibility is a tricky thing..many think couples who have love marriages are more compatible than arranged marriage..which is totally not true..when we live with someone as u put in "change becomes inevtiable"

  9. Compatibility, passion, the click... all true... and then theres the adjustment....
    I've realised that while I have changed and made adjustments, hubby has too....
    for any relationship to survive it's important
    1. not to lose yourself (your real self, not how the world perceives you) and
    2. stop keeping score (I did it last time now its your turn, etc.)
    and HELL YEAH... 'TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS'.... if you feel some thing isn't right run the other way.... nothings worse than being stuck in a situation that sucks the life out of you...

  10. I agree that compatibility is a huge factor in the success of a marriage. Even if the partners are not compatible, but they are ready to adjust and compromise then the marriage may(its a huge MAY) work. But drifts occur when one of them feel that all the compro is happening from his/her side.
    And about the traits of the Indian Girl I say BS :P Be what you are, who cares about what others think :)

  11. Hey Dhanya, agree with your views and especially that concept "Trust your instincts" ! Keep going bold girl!:-)

  12. I couldn't have read this at a better time...I am visiting India this month end and will be halting in Delhi, Mumbai and Bangalore...have to meet some girls at these places to make my choice. But like you I too find myself in same predicament...have been told that girls who are of lower ambition are more adjusting while those who are bit independent and cultured are headstrong and demand their own way. What many forget is that men adore independent women

    I guess it is the previous generations which are culprits for in their times females were brought up to be subservient and told to always blend in with their man....no voice, no independence. So a modern day girl also finds herself with same expectations

    I feel for what you have been through and having been your regular reader sympathise also, but I repeatedly find myself thinking - am I making right decision?

  13. click works, we get hint and we should believe our instinct. Its important cuz God gives us hint. It is us to understand them .

  14. Bhanu4:12 PM

    Pesto Sauce...i donno who you are..
    but this is true..Men adore independent women. but they can't live with them as their husbands.

  15. Priya - Hahaha ! Glad you are not arguing ;) I am a very peaceful person :P

    Soniya - Thanks for reading :) And it's something everyone learns the hard way. We never learn to trust ourselves and are more reliant on what others say. Experience teaches things :) So no worries... as long as you’re learning all’s well :)

    Arumugam - Brilliantly put! I completely agree with the “sense of duty” bit. This applies to most people in the old generation though not for 100%. I will check out Elizabeth Gilbert’s Committed soon. I just finished off Judy Balan’s Two Fates Story of My Divorce :P

    Akanksha – Take your time. Get married only when you’re ready. Don’t rush it just because others are telling you it’s time. Go with the flow but be happy with whatever decision you take..

  16. Bikramjit – Totally! It’s upto each individual. What I say here may not be agreed upon by many people but this is what I have learnt and what works for me. And what I have learnt is what I am going to share :)

    PK – Thank you! This path is not easy especially coz most people tend to blame the girls if a relationship goes wrong. The good thing is now I can accept criticism gracefully, I’m getting too good at ignoring people when they start talking crap ;) And yes I did get a lot of ‘compromising’ advice, but in a relationship it always takes two to tango :)

    Ria – True :)

  17. Nautankey – I agree! Love marriage doesn’t mean guaranteed happiness. I have seen some love marriages go all wrong too. Maybe these people rushed into things without knowing each other inside out. Or maybe familiarity just breeds contempt in most people nowadays :\ With me it all depends on first impression. If I gel with a person wonderfully (great chemistry et all) in the first meeting itself, it works well for me. If it’s so-so, it remains so-so for the rest of my life. Now I realize I don’t want that ‘so-so’ feeling. This is what works for me. I knew it all along but I chose to ignore it :\

  18. Mel – Adjustment is very necessary! I am not at all disregarding the importance of adjustment. But if there’s a vociferous clash in thoughts, no amount of adjustment can save your relationship. For example, if your partner believes in the dowry system (or physical abuse even) and you don’t. This can lead to major problems in the future because that’s what the person has been brought up believing whereas the girl thinks it’s unmanly for a guy to depend on his wife’s riches to sustain himself or abuse her whenever he’s angry. There are many more issues that no amount of adjustment can rectify. Which is why I opened the sentence with “How much can one adjust?” :)

  19. Prasanna Rao – Like mentioned in above comment, difficult to “adjust” to extreme situations :) But yes, like you said, maybe a relationship can thrive on adjustment alone.

    Mridula – Thank you :) Thanks for reading !

  20. Pesto Sauce – I guess the best person to answer you is you :P What do you want? If you want someone who is independent (or career oriented) go for such a girl. But rest assured, don’t whine if she stays late hours at work, or just might neglect to do her household chores a bit coz of her work. If you want someone who is more homely (someone who would take care of you, at ur beck and call 24/7) then go for such a person. And then there are the “mixtures” – mix of both. But such people are expected to be perfectionists in whatever they do – be it at work or at home :P Not possible !

  21. Nidz - :) I am sure you know about the “click” more than most of us ;)

    Bhanu – Not true in all cases.. :)

  22. hello dhanya..yeah u were true abt clicking..
    ur patience is admirable.i have read all ur posts from d beginning.After ur post on ur 'D' even i am afraid of getting married bcoz it is ur blog that made me say Yes to mamma to get married.Such things can happen to anyone.But yeah its up to us to wait for the right moment & d right person.i can see my elder sis in ur blog wen i read dis post.A big thanq for d last 2 blog posts.
    have a nice day. bbye.


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