Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Should I Be Worried?

Shortly after I wrote my first post on how I'm getting divorced soon, a blogger messaged me asking 'I'm going to get into an arranged marriage soon. Should I be worried?'. First of all, my purpose of writing that post wasn't to scare people, but since the question came up here's the answer anyway.

You Should Be Worried If...

1. You're totally incompatible with your partner. Of course, partners need not always be perfect, but there's a saying 'Appreciate the similarities, respect the differences'. If you are not able to do that, and if you force your partner into thinking the same way that you do - then get ready for friction - whether you like it or not.

2. You're an egoistic person. Ego has known to kill relationships - don't let your's bring something so precious as a relationship down in the dumps.

3. You're boring. Do you tend to take things way too seriously? Do you start yelling 'What? Why? Where? How?" at the drop of a hat? Not done.

4. You're an old fashioned person expecting a modern partner. Please stick to people who believe in the very same thoughts as you do. There are some who will like a person based purely on looks and then think "chalo.. let me say yes.. later on I will try to change the person by hook or by crook". Learn to accept the person as they are. Small adjustments are necessary in any relationship, but that doesn't mean you try to totally change your better half.

5. You're a person who believes only in 'take' and no 'give'. It's just not done if a relationship is one-sided where a person has to keep sacrificing for the other's happiness. It's all about 'give & take'. If you are not ready to give at all, don't get into a relationship.

6. You tend to get violent when angry. Are you not able to control your anger? Maybe it's time to hit those anger management classes. Some people tend to get physically abusive too when angry. Sad...

7. You're not emotionally, physically & financially ready to get into a marriage.

You need not be worried...

1. If you love your other half to death. All the adjustments, compromising will then come automatically.

2. If you believe that marriage is a life long commitment (your partner should feel the same way too), and your main goal is to last through the good times as well as the bad; to live many many years together. When both you and your partner have that kind of a mindset, my kind of a situation will not happen to you.

3. You make adjustments according to the situation (goes for both guys & girls).

4. You do not incline to physical abuse when angry (very very important point!).

Well that's it I guess! On a positive note, divorce cases in India are still very much rare. So don't judge things by other people's experiences. It need not happen to you. Things need not get so messy. It's my destiny and I'm embracing it with open arms.. because of this - today, I am a happy & healthy person (touch wood). I rather be single than be stuck in a very VERY wrong relationship.


  1. You tend to get violent when angry.
    Possibly the most important point. Of them all. Sigh.

    Good post, Dhanya!

  2. *thinks to write a long comment*

    I appreciate your thoughts in the matter and the fact that u summed it up for the concerned person and all your readers

    *thinks to keep the comment short. Can say a lot on every point, as usually do, but running out of time in work*

    God bless


  3. SO true .. better be single then in a wrong relation which not only is wrong for the two but it effects the rest of the family members too..

    I am sure you have not taken this decision in a hurry and know what you are doing ..

    So all the best and Tak care of yourself


  4. Anonymous5:47 PM

    I am not sure whether I should comment on this or not....its quite inexplicable....the feeling that I have now run parallelly with are a fab girl.


  5. Dhanya, well said. I couldn't agree with you more on the physical abuse point.
    Marriage, whether arranged or love, is as much about compatibility as it is about commitment. Like you said, both partners have to be willing to make it work.

  6. Totally true, Dhanya ! Every point perfectly points out the Must-Haves and Must-Not-Haves in every relationship. :) Gr8 job !

  7. Completely agree with what u have said in this post Dhans, Better be single than getting in to a bad /wrong relationship and spoil other person's life.

  8. Violent Abuse Is the strictest NO NO
    And I love this post of urs :) ur such a sweetheart :) and I am proud to know u :)

    I fear that i might end up in arrange match someday maybe then I will keep all this in mind :)

    And agreed being single is waaaaaaaaaaay better than wrong relationships :)

  9. I completely agree. I don't think you could have put it any better :) And yes if anyone is boring, they must stay single ;)

  10. Anonymous12:14 PM

    HI dhanyechi... im fathima..a regular reader of ur posts, know u thru ur blog, i used to spk abt u to ma clsmates, even though i dnt knw much abt u.. ur a some sort of inspiration for me in few ways.. i believe thr wil b a great future before u.. may LORD almighty bless u .. love u

  11. Good post Dhanno,You said very important things very simply but effectively..Take care..

  12. Yep. Makes sense. Totally.

  13. Good post, Dhanya!

    God Bless...! :)

  14. I admire ur spirit Dhanya!!!!!
    U tek care!!!

  15. Twinkle10:55 AM

    Hi Dhanya..

    Been reading ur blogs for almost a year.. Like the way u put things across.. This post inspired me to comment and appreciate u for the way u have tackled life with all its oddities..

    I got married two months ago.. It was a typical (Mallu) arranged marriage.. but we had got almost six months to know each other after our engagement.. May be, that helped us to "Appreciate the similarities & to respect the differences".

    I also realized, it is effort on both sides that keeps the marriage going..

    Totally agreed with ur points.. It was even-sided.. I firmly believe arranged marriages need not be a failure..

    God bless u.. Keep writing :)

  16. Wow, girl!
    Divorce cases are not all that rare but brave girls who come out smiling and healthy and happy from there are!

    I wish you all the very best and such a sensible soul like you would walk the world with panache and ease:-)

  17. My only question is whether you're going to show this post to the next person you're serious about? Think you should :)

  18. I think that's being very practical. It must be tough... but life has to go on. People think that getting married/ falling in love means they're excused from using logic... but that can't be. Things have a way of catching up... sooner or later. You need to know... and when you do you need to act on it.

  19. We have a common friend who told me about you when I was crying my heart out,about why I just can't find a like-minded guy and settle down.

    Meeting all the wrong people and the idea of arranged marriage seems to be as alien as ever.I should not be worried, as per the post, But I really am.Don't know why.

    I hope life is treating you good, and wish the very best for you, in everything you do.You are one brave woman and I really admire you for that girl.


  20. only because its from you, i think the post was too short!

    bless you Dhanno.

  21. i read all ur posts now. I didnt knw abt all this. I am proud that u r so strong.

  22. This was a very valid post... i think i will read this before i decide to get hitched :P till then commitment phobia rocks \m/

    Take care Dhanna :) :*

  23. Dhanya....its just my observation...but the status "being married" is a kind of addiction for many couples. I just feel ki its not the correct way. why do many want to suffer the agony , the beatings , the ignorance, the respectlessness in a marriage just to have the title or a "married person" ..its just better to get out of that marriage..isn't it?

  24. balanced and level headed post.

  25. Hats off to you for writing this! Better to remain single than be stuck in a wrong relation... well said

  26. This comment has been removed by the author.

  27. Thanks for the reply Dhanya

  28. Hey, just stumbled upon your blog through Reflections. Read some of your posts and liked your writing. Keep writing :-)

    This post is very useful. I totally agree with all your points.


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