Saturday, June 24, 2006

A Little Alone

There are times when you feel you are a good-for-nothing. You hope the phase passes. A 'I understand' from anyone will work wonders for you. But it remains unsaid. Instead, you get told you are wrong. Maybe you are. But nevertheless, you look for a little consolation. If you don't, you still keep looking.. from anyone.. even from the most unexpected people. Then, by chance even if you get a little comfort and care, you start thinking you are not a good-for-nothing after all.

In my case, I have very few people who comfort me when I am depressed. VERY few. That would include my parents. No one can comfort me like my mom does, no one can understand me like her. The kind of care you are looking for can only come from your parents, coz they never see your behaviour as shameful. You will forever remain their little, sweet angel. And I have learnt (maybe the hard way) that you cannot expect this behaviour from anyone else.

So in case you are feeling alone, depressed, worthless.. just take time to talk to your parents. You will realize you are a precious gift who no one can replace. That all your worries about yourself are just pointless, coz you realize you are special. That only your parents can love you unconditionally for what you are...

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Be Sporty!

Why are there so less girls playing Indian sports? I watched cricket controversy yesterday, and they were debating on the subject. We have only a handful of talented female players out there like Saina Nehwal in Badminton, Sania Mirza in Tennis. But the other sports seem deprived. Especially the physically challenging ones like Football. Why is it so ? Agreed, we women are weaker than our male counterparts. But it is not about taking part in a national team or anything of that sort. Why not play just as a hobby?

In Bahrain , I always saw girls playing basketball , football, volleyball. When I came to Kerala, it was mostly Badminton and Table Tennis for girls. Mr.Navjot Singh Sidhu might act all aggressive when he says parents are not encouraging their daughters to go out and play such games. But the truth is India is not safe even if we keep saying ‘All Indians are our brothers and sisters’ now and then. When a ‘cultured’ man like Mr.Sidhu says things like ‘Even if I do not know the game, I will watch it because such pretty people like you are playing’ ( He was talking to the pretty, young football player also in the show). How could he expect every single guy to just ‘watch’ them ? Especially since so many guys in our country act as if they have never seen a girl before. Girls playing a game like football just might be too much for them.

The fact is, if girls start to play basketball, football in India there will be an audience. But most of them will be guys who are interested in just staring and drooling. They would not even know when the game has ended. Remember, I am just talking about ‘go out and play as hobby’ part. Not playing in a national team. I mean security is better if you are in a national team. There will be security guards around. But what about the girls who want to play near the streets or in a deserted area ? Is it safe for them ? Badminton and Table Tennis can be played within the boundary of one’s home. But games like Football ? Can they be played within a small, well protected area ? I think not.

Take the instance of our ‘home away from home’. Guys stay back to play games, but girls always rush to their hostels or houses. Girls are not even willing to play such games at their colleges where they know everyone !!! There might be less teasing, but still there are guys there… who ( like I said before ) act as if they have never seen girls. They gossip ( Yeah, guys do that !) and hoot and whistle.. Ugh! Who would want to play in such conditions? Definitely not me ! And if I were a protective parent, I wouldn’t want to let my child to play in such conditions either. So, Mr.Sidhu.. before you jump into conclusions, its better you investigate your daughter’s playing environment and ensure that she is safe and sound.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

LASIK

Whenever I read a newspaper or even a magazine.. there will be a huge ad waiting which almost shouts at me to do LASIK treatment. The first thing that goes in my mind - 'Would it be painful?'. Then since, I would not be undergoing the treatment anyway, the answer would likely be 'I am sure it is, and it is sooo expensive'. The fact is, I want to try it out. But it is a permanent change. So there is the fear inside, which is getting on the way. And the fear is justified, coz contacts did not work for me. The vision was better when I used glasses. Maybe coz of the mixture of astigmatism and myopia..

The next detail I usually search for is whether this treatment holds for a mixture of both eye disorders that I have. Well, it did.. it can cure myopia ranging from minus 1 to minus 20 diopters(!) and astigmatism too upto 8 diopters. So that problem is solved. And there is no pain involved it, just redness and irritation after the treatment. And you are not supposed to rub your eyes or splash water into them for weeks..! Yes! The last detail gave me enough reason ( scared cat! ) to not do LASIK... I mean how can you live without splashing water into your eyes ? And what if something gets into your eyes.. you might be just dying to rub your eyes coz of the irritation !!!! And anyway, people have recommended me to use specs instead, because when I am not using them my eyes enlarge and look as if they are going to explode ( maybe coz I cant see without them...I am blind without them ,really)...

Anyway, even if you want to do LASIK its available in India. And the best treatment is at Kochi I think which costs about 25,000 rupees. Yeah! Go do it ! Gain cofidence ! Gain beauty! Gain .. what not.. by doing LASIK. Silly advertisements!

The Good Days

Before I joined college, everyone close told me 'Enjoy your days at college to the max... those days are going to be your best days ever'. I never considered them seriously. It was yet another 'Join college, do your work and go away' thing. Now that they are coming to an end, there is a sense of sadness. You can't be so free and irresponsible anymore. Coz NOW you are grown up. You arent a gawky teenager anymore. You are mature and ready to take on the world. In my case, I am still gawky and immature... Oh, well...

Just like I missed school, I am going to miss college too. After all, I bunked classes for the first time at college.. yay! Roaming aimlessly on the corridor, getting caught and being asked questions like 'Don't you have class now ?' And you, unsure what to say eventually end up saying something stupid which you yourself cannot decipher.

The next question is 'Now, what ?' Studies, job.. ? The option for marriage is not there.. I am so sorry ! I am not ready to sacrifice my freedom so early. And the real truth.. I am not ready to take up the responsibility. When I am ready, I will marry. I hope.. one day...

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Handicapped!

Here I am after a busy month. College is almost over. Having completed all my backlog, I am once again free to think of all the things best left unconsidered. Right now I am thinking about my height. Being only 5'2 isn't exactly satisfying to someone who wishes to stand tall in everything. Thats not practically possible, but what irks me is that almost everyone can physically look down on me and I stand looking at them as if they resemble a giraffe when the truth is these people are of 'standard' height. I am the small one here.

Almost anyone tall ( I am talking about women ) can enter into a room and catch attention, whether they are slim or fat. And it shows an attitude which screams of self respect so much so that you dont often see men behaving badly with such women. People won't treat you as a small cute little girl who deserves a chocolate whenever she becomes angry or sad. Blah ! Maybe I ought to try one of those chappals they advertise on Teleshopping network. Just by wearing them, they do some kind of jadoo on your legs that you automatically gain height in a matter of days.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

5 Things

5 things I like about my dad :

1. He doesnt rest until he gets something right
2. He's never lazy (unlike me)
3. He is always pampering me
4. He is very friendly.. all my friends in Bahrain used to like him
5. His chubbiness

5 things I like about mom :

1. Her communication style... she can inflict her thoughts on anyone !!
2. Her interior designing ( not a profession, just a hobby )
3. Her taking my side whenever me and my sister have a fight !
4. The amount of love she has for her sisters and brothers... ( though I feel they dont return the same amount of love )
5. Her singing.. she used to sing in Kerala Samajam in Bahrain. She gave it up shortly after having me.. nevertheless, she is still the main attraction in parties. But being the showgirl, she needs the extras - the mic, background music, the works. Otherwise, she refuses to sing !

5 things I like about sis :

1. She goes extreme in whatever she does.. whether its loving or hating. There are no neutral feelings for her.
2. The way she carries herself. I always looked up to my sis. In the looks department, I compare everyone with my sister and they fail to make a mark. She isn't the typical fair Indian girl. Her complexion is dusky. But her features are perfect. Big eyes, nice smile! She also has the 'I will hit you if you mess with me' kind of attitude which I simply adore :))
3. Like dad, she too is extremely friendly
4. The way she takes care of me. I remember a baby video in which we both were in a swimming pool. Her friends were around too. I was using a tube. Wherever she went, she used to drag the tube ( with me in it ) with her. And then I got bored, she started making some weird movements in water to make me laugh. Whenever I see the video, I fast forward to see that particular scene coz I find it so touching. Also, whenever me and mom end up in a fight, I would start crying... and she would start crying too, and comfort me at the same time...
5. She loves expanding my wardrobe !!

Sunday, April 23, 2006

The Positive Energy Stimulator

Feng Shui. Though the word is unknown to many Keralites, most of them are firm believers of it. They feel furniture has to be arranged in such an order to avoid bad luck. Feng Shui, but, does not induce any bad luck. But there are many popular myths about it. One such scam is about it bringing us a lot of money. Feng Shui is practised just for the sheer purpose of bringing us positive energy, to feel good about ourselves. It is said to bring a balance to our busy , unscheduled life.

My mom had bought a golden frog and a golden statue ( a bald man with a big tummy holding his hands up as if he was lifting something). Dont know if they have any special kind of name. But we later found out that they are part of Feng Shui. They were to be kept in special positions. My mom got scared and gave it away. Now she is happy. Kind of weird that a thing which is supposed to make you feel happy, made mom so tensed and worried when it was with her. Now, when its no longer with her, she is so much more at peace with herself.

My friends also bought chinese bells which looked 'oh-so-pretty' to me. Then I came to know they are also... yes, yes... a positive energy stimulator. I feel its all in the mind. If you believe that positioning such things in the so-called right positions can make you feel happy, then you will definitely will. How ? Coz you have programmed your mindset to think like that. You believe everything will go right from now on just coz you follow Feng Shui. Feng Shui will set everything right. Feng Shui will protect me from all evils. Feng Shui will make me happy !! Won't such thoughts make you feel happy ? By feeling protected, you are bound to feel happy!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Life or Meth

It is on rare occasions that I sit to watch the Oprah Winfrey show and today was one such day. She discussed about the effect of Crystal Meth (Methamphetamine) on people of all ages. Chatel Dean is just 18 and she had already experienced the 'happy' world of the crystal drug. This drug which can be taken orally or even injected, is supposedly the most dangerous drug in America. Everyone who had taken it said they got addicted from the first shot itself. Chatel started taking the drug coz her friends told her to do so, and she just wanted to give them company. She didnt want to be left alone. She didnt want to stand apart from her friends. Even worse, she did not have the courage to say 'No'. Its tragic how children from good families fall prey to such things.

She finally decided for rehab and is fine now except for her mood swings and her bickerings with her mom. Normal teenage problems. The next person who recovered was a 35+ woman with a teenage son. This American, got bored of her marriage, found a new partner who was a crystal Meth addict and together they enjoyed very many fun filled( and Meth filled) evenings. She , like Chatel, thought it would be very easy to venture away from the drug only to realize the fatal truth later. Whats even more pitiful, is that her son who realized his mom enjoyed what she did, started taking the drug himself. The boy went into rehab first and recovered much before his mom did ! The irony of the situation was that the addicted mom took her addicted son to the rehab first. When the boy was getting counselling inside the hospital, his mom would rush outside in order to get a puff of the drug. She was that addicted. When asked if he thought if his mom was a hypocrite, he readily said 'yes!' much to the embarrassment of his mom.

What leads people to take such drugs? I think its mostly curiosity. What does it feel like ? Next, they dont want to be left out. So whatever their friends do, they do too. It takes real courage to say no to such things. That too, to your friends. Even after all the advises, people still do drugs. They just want to enter an unknown world with no sorrows, no pains, no happiness... no feelings whatsoever. And the truth is no one gains from this. Not you, not your family, not your friends. Life or Meth ? Choose life. Say no to drugs!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Nesting In

Reaching back home after a long journey, instead of feeling downright tired.. I felt a strange sense of ecstacy. Inspite of the fact that I had slept only about 1 and a half hour or so the previous night, I was able to hold on. I did my morning rituals, had breakfast and then plopped into bed. What made me stay all awake till then ? Just the feeling of reaching back home...

I was a hostelite for 1 year, and I had enjoyed it. I liked being with my friends. Thought of staying there till my course gets over. But that didnt happen. When my mom came back from Bahrain, and when I was back at home... the entire plan went haywire!! The word 'hostel' started to irritate me. I started going more from home sweet home and eventually vacated my room at hostel to let the other unfortunate souls occupy it. Maybe it was the pampering. Mom giving in to my sulkings, being able to do what I want without thinking about others, eat when you want to , never having those hunger pangs again.... there was something about home which was magnetic.

The good thing about hostel is that you can study a lot without any distractions.. right ? WRONG ! With so many people your age , so many things to talk about and so little time.. where is the time to study ? And after all the interaction, you lose all your energy.. hence you go eat and straightaway go to sleep. The marks remain the same. When you reach back home, there is still no time for studying coz you missed out on all the TV viewing when you were at hostel. So you become a couch potato and sit in front of the TV to see what Tulsi is upto in kyunki and Prerna is upto in kasautii. All the extra food also makes you more drowsy and you go to sleep. And you wake up again at night to chat ( In my case, with my dad) at 11 pm coz the rates go down. Who the hell would study after that ???

College life is certainly about all play and no work whether you are at home or at hostel. So parents please take note. If your kid has pledged never to study when he/she enters college, your pushing, cajoling, moving kid to hostel, back from hostel to home wont do any good. Whats the solution ? Let the kid do what the kid wants to do...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Goan Dreams

Just back from Goa.. ( yeah, I am always back from something or the other since the past few posts ). Had a verrryyy good time.. except for the last day. The trip mostly included visiting beaches and most of my cash went down on hogging. Almost felt like I had visited Goa just to eat. I ate a lot of things, which I wanted to eat. All the unhealthy food actually. Street food. The pani puris, bhel puris tickled my taste buds to no end. Actually, I want to eat pani puri right now just to get the bittersweet taste back into my mouth.

The beaches reminded me of the beaches at Bahrain except that I never used to let the Bahrain sea water touch my hair. Thats not the only reason. My parents never allowed me to play intimately with the sea. The sun in Goa treated my skin very badly. My mom told me I look like if I had been painted black and white. Black from face to neck , hands and white elsewhere. And oh yes.. I forgot about one more difference from Bahrain beaches. The nude people. Ugh!

I went to visit one St.Francis church too. I like the feeling associated with churches. Very peaceful and holy. Not like visiting temples where the atmosphere is always conjusted. People are always in a rush. Rush to pray and see the statue of God first. Rush to leave the temple first. I dont feel like a Hindu at all. And a girl in my class also told me I dont look like one. She told me I look more like a Christian. Maybe whats on the mind, reflects on the features too. Hmmm....

I wanted to experiment with my food. Wanted to eat more Goan food. I have heard its very spicy. The only thing I ate was crab and I had difficulty eating coz of no prior experience. Rest of the time I had to make do with South Indian food coz everybody else was having it.

The last day (5th day) I felt quite moody coz I was returning home. I might never get the chance again. I will never get to go anywhere again with my friends. And all the songs and games took place on the last day when I was feeling least interested. And all the noise made me feel like crying out loud " WHY THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE SO HAPPY?!!?!? IT'S THE LAST DAY OF OUR TOUR" ... but being the nice girl that I am, I just kept shut and cried instead. Hence, spoiling someone else's mood too. The only highlight of the day was meeting a small cute girl (prerna) who tried her best to ignore me, but failed at last. We started blabbering in baby talk and at last she gave me one of the sweetest smiles I have ever seen.

These are only *some* of my experiences. Whatever I did, I enjoyed. Even if it was just watching and seeing others enjoy ( except for the last day... ) . Would sum up my tour as follows :

Happiness - 90%
Sadness , anger- 10%
loneliness - 0% ( I dont feel alone at all, even if I have no company.. )

Friday, March 24, 2006

Back To Blogging

The past one month has been quite uneventful with nothing extraordinary taking place except that I am in my final sem now. It is surprising to hear how some people are just dying for college to get over as if the four years of togetherness meant nothing to them. Of course, my college life has been more like school coz of the rules and regulations and hence I didnt feel much difference or loss of freedom coz I had been transferred from one school going environment to another. But the people who want to leave are the ones who got transferred from a typical college like environment in their school to a school like environment in their college..... which is quite dreadful ..

Am back to blogging !!!!! Finally ! Feels nice to be back especially when u like writing ( or rather ,typing )so much but you never get the time to do it.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Back Home ... Finally !

Project work is almost complete. My guide seems to be having hallucinations about how much me and my batch mates have completed coz he keeps thinking we have completed more than he has thought. Then he zaps back to reality and he utters the magic words 'If you complete this blah blah too, ur project will be almost done'. Oh.. let me correct that ! Those words used to be magic words. It does not have the same effect anymore coz he keeps repeating it and we.. poor souls.. keep believing him.

So I finally decided I had to go back home.. for a much desired break. Studying for GTC till 2 am and then waking up at 8 is not my cup of tea. Yeah yeah, I am getting the needed 6 hours sleep. But people who know me will be startled about how less I am sleeping nowadays. And before you get me all wrong, let me correct you. I have not been cutting classes.. rather my batch mates wont come due to their own personal reasons. We will all be getting back tomorrow.. on Saturday.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Fundamental Theorem of Life

After studying the fundamental theorem of Arithmetic in Number Theory, I was wondering why we have to study all this when we havent been even able to understand what the fundamental theorem of life is. Well, for me .. life isnt so complex. There are just three basic elements - Ok, Good and bad. And this 'ok' part of life spans most of the days. We feel our day was 'ok' when we cannot decide if its either good or bad like its the case for all my exams. All are ok for me, coz I cant decide if I wrote it well or not....

For some people, there are no 'ok' days .. well, lucky them. They are not so confused about life, like I am. I think a day was ok even if it was pretty good... coz nothing bad happened. So if nothing bad happened, it must have been a good day right ? But when someone asks me 'how was your day ?' I say 'It was ok'.... Why ?? Maybe coz I am expecting something more.. dont we all ? We are so greedy for more, we dont even keep count of the good things that have happened. So unless something really good happens ( and I mean REALLY REALLY good) we try to act like unsatisfied ungrateful people and say things like 'It was ok.. '

Funny...!

Just typed in 'failure' into google and clicked on 'I'am feeling lucky'.... Guess what came up...

On second thoughts.. don't guess, just try it !!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Void

When you are feeling completely hopeless and just freaked out about a particular incident that happened to you, then its better to share it with a person who is in the same situation. Me, for instance, got into an unexpected circumstance and did not know how to deal with it. But when I shared it with someone who was going through the same low phase, I understood there is hope after all.

Because no one can understand the situation perfectly than a person who has experienced it and hence can really feel what the other person is going through at the moment. Just a personal thought....

Monday, January 02, 2006

A New Year Thought

Happy New Year 2006!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well.. the year started off with me fainting in the plane on my trip back to Kerala.. and now, me having a cold.. wonderful !! Does it mean I am going to be sick every day of 2006 ?!? Think about it. ( If you have absolutely nothing else to think about )

Stay tuned for daily updates on Dhannu's health... *sniff* to that !